Kissing, A Poetic Guide

So I'm a chronic e-bookmarker. If I see something interesting, hilarious, weird, cool, or any other adjective online, I bookmark it. I mainly do this for the days when I'm on the internet and have seen everything there is to see (or for the We're Friends! blog). Oh I know, you say that there is so much out there that I haven't seen. Well, why don't you just go swim in a ditch full of butts. That's what I say.

So when those days inevitably come, I have a ton of stuff I can look at that I've saved. It's like watching a movie you love/have seen before or visiting the relatives that you like. Old-standbys you know?

There's just one thing, when I bookmark stuff, I don't remember how I found out about it later. It's just...there. And now with Twitter, there's like a bajillion cool links every five minutes. Ah well, C'est la intertubes.

So here's one of those things, a wonderful poem called "How to Kiss" by Rick Lupert. Not only is is justa great poem, but it's funny! Yeah, it's possible, people do it all the time! It isn't just 16 year-olds with minor family problems who write poetry. I have this website bookmarked with the poem, but after a bit of searching have also found his personal site. Anyhow, here it is, enjoy:

"HOW TO KISS

I
Locate someone other than yourself.
Make sure they have lips.

II
Find out if the person you've located is agreeable to kissing.
You can do this any way you want, except for asking.

III
Make sure you have your lips with you.
Nothing is more embarrassing than moving to kiss someone
and realizing you've left your lips at home or in the car.
Unless you happen to be in the car,
where you can slyly move to adjust the radio,
slapping on your lips during the confusion.

IV
Tell the person their eyes make you want to do gymnastics,
or at least be present where gymnastics are being done.

V
Touch the hand.
Any Hand.
Not your own hand.

VI
Lean your head forward at a slight angle (such as fifteen degrees)
so your foreheads will connect first
as if you're attempting a Vulcan mind meld.
If your minds actually begin to meld MILK IT.

VII
Slowly re-angle your head so your lips become parallel with his or hers.
Practice this ahead of time using a protractor.

VIII
Allow your lips to make contact with the other lips
BUT DON'T MOVE THEM.
Remain completely still for twenty-eight minutes
or until you hear an electronic beeping
indicating it is time to move to step nine.
This time may vary depending on political climate
and lip gloss.

IX
Repeat steps five through eight.

X
Clear your head
so the only thing you can focus on
is a PBS special on the clitoris.

XI
Begin moving your lips in a slow up and down fashion,
varying with left and right motions every fifteen seconds.

XII
Force your tongue through your subject's lips and teeth.
Fight past their tongue.
Charge forward until you reach the uvula.
Kissing is just an intimate game of Capture the Uvula.

XIII
Abandon all tenderness
with reckless nibbling
of anything fleshy you encounter.

XIV
Congratulations!
You are now kissing.

XV
Imagine life as a Frenchman."

-James

Now playing: The Postman Syndrome - Interpretive Decorating: Chapter X