The Top Five Worst States in North America.

North America is a pretty wonderful country. Full of rich topography and other stuff. However, there are a few stains. A few places that will eternally ensure that this great nation fails to rise as a progressive force. Readers, I present to you, the five worst states in North America. You may note that only one of these states is not on the east coast. I suppose that's because the mighty eastern seaboard has had longer time to fester. More time to flourish, but, ultimately, some of these states have gone unchecked for far too long.

5. Rhode Island

This is a random picture of any street in Rhode Island. EVERY street in Rhode Island looks like this. Nightmare level red brick on top of a 118-degree angle. Partially melted ice cream cones littering the streets. Children are not allowed to eat ice cream in Rhode Island. They're allowed to buy it, but they can only hold and look at it for about three minutes. Then it gets tossed and the child has to go back to work...underneath the Rhode Island School of Design.

4. Delaware

The First State. Look, a lot of things that claim to be first are are assholes and horrible. Delaware cut to the front of the United States, gave the teacher a foot rub, and pantsed Maryland. Eeeeeverybody thought it was hysterical, but Delaware has yet to move on from that one moment of glory. Sitting under a perpetually "apocolypse-tinged" sky, with a middle school education and a six pack full of crab beer, Delaware is the kind of self-loathing that only a mother can throw out of the house at age thirty-one.

3. Maine

Tom Jane will murder your family. Tim Curry will murder your children. Why would anyone live here?

2. Hawaii

Hawaii will eat you. This is a place where children and pigs ingest meth on a regular basis and everything is about to be on fire. Hey! Wanna get leiiiied?! Wanna get LEIIIIIID?!! WANNA GET LEIIIIIIIIIIID!!!?!????!!

1. Florida

Florida is rot. Slowly destroying North America from the ground up. Humidity, murder, drugs, almost every episode of COPS, disney world, dinosaurs, oldsters, spring break, kidnapping. I cannot imagine a worse place to live. I cannot think of a worse representation of this country. You will literally disappear if you spend more than three weeks in this state. All of your teeth will fall out. The rain will change your clothing into a tattered floral print shirt and tiny Umbro shorts. You will not be able to find good bread anywhere.

-Dash